Alexander The Great. A Gayish Biography

“Alexander was only defeated once…and that was by Hephaestion’s thighs.”

-- Cynic Philosophers, about 2,000 years ago

In this hilarious and meticulously researched biography, Humanities professor and sometime standup comic Dr. Will Arnett reveals the truth about Alexander: The greatest military hero of all time was also the biggest drama queen who ever lived.

He’s Here, He’s Queer And He Doesn’t Like Your End Tables.
From Hephastion, his boyfriend of 19 years to Bagoas, his shatteringly beautiful Persian boy toy, Alexander The Great ruled as a king but lived as a queen. He conquered most of the known world, unified it with a common language, imbued it with religious tolerance, and enriched it with racial diversity. He founded close to 70 cities across Turkey, Asia, Central Europe and the Middle East.

Yet he cried easily. He threatened suicide if he didn’t get his way. He talked in exclamation marks! He loved to wear outrageous clothes. Everything was an emergency. He could throw hissy fits that would take Liza Minelli’s breath away. And he was so vain his own officers rubbed Preparation H on his ego. It’s the interplay between his personal fabulousness and his public greatness that makes Alexander the Great one of the most exhilarating characters in world history.

And so ripe for comedy.

As over-the-top as Alexander could be, he was no Liberace in fatigues. If you’re thinking Sean Hayes in Will & Grace leading 40,000 men across the desert, think again. If you’re thinking Bruce Vilanch in hand-to-hand combat you’re deluded. If you’re thinking Michael Musto slitting his enemy’s throats with a nail file, stop thinking--please, you’re giving us a headache.

Instead, think Patton taking bubble baths, or McArthur in moo-moos, or Schwarzkopf with fag hags. If you locked Alexander in a room with these generals and threw in a knife, only Alexander would walk out without needing medical attention.